To be or not want to be – with someone is the question

I was wondering this morning as I completely starfish my king sized bed if there would ever be someone else. As in would there be a special person who slept here even sometimes. Then it occurred to me do I want there to be. It’s no longer will there ever be a relationship again but do I want one.

I wasn’t looking for one when I met my person of interest back in February 2021 that I have written about our four seasons time together. Having turned 60 couple weeks ago had me thinking that at 50 I was married. Had been for almost 2 years. I spent that birthday with my kids and husband. Sixty was throwing myself a party. Quite the difference 10 years makes. (It’s worth noting that husband at 50 is still a friend and was at the party). From 51 to now I have been unmarried. That is the longest stretch of time NOT married since I was 20. There are no plans and there is no reason to be married again. But coupled up with someone? Maybe.

I am not sure I was always a good married person. Too independent possibly. As I am working on a book about the four seasons I have had to explore how I got to the wanting to do relationships like POI and I did in that time. Much is coming up in that I was taught to be sure I could take care of myself by my dad in particular. I had as much re wiring to do as POI in how to approach a relationship as a functioning adult.

When I was around 40, I had a nurse educator I worked with who would come into accounts with me and work with staff. She was early 60’s, the age range I am now. I can’t remember why we had this conversation, I think it had to do with a doctor I had that she had known in another city, and how he had sexually harassed me. She was talking about him being a notorious cheater in that other city. She was divorced and at one point she said she didn’t miss being married so much as she missed sex. I was surprised by her frankness and also had a thought of “will that be me?”.

Here I am and that is me. I do miss sexual intimacy. For several years after my last divorce in 2015, I still “dated” my former husband, the wasband, as he doesn’t feel like an ex as much as someone I am still fond of but can’t be married to. That area was never our problem. I realize that part of life slows down but intimacy of the other kinds familiarity, sitting on a couch reading or watching a movie together where your hand finds the other person. Those are things I do miss. I am not sure I could live with someone again full time though. I have gotten used to my rhythm or lack there of.

So where does that leave me in the questions of to be with someone or even want to? I don’t have answers. I miss traveling with someone, having someone as the plus one, not being the 3rd or 5th wheel. I miss affection both giving and receiving. I miss the knowing of someone that you do when you are coupled and connected that is just between the two of us. All that is true and I am not making an effort to find it. I know I can’t force it. I know I am not needy and also can’t handle needy in someone else.

So will see what happens I guess? I think I am learning to be okay with the not knowing. Or not wanting to be with someone at this point. Maybe someone will surprise me. Or not.

I went into my 50s as a married woman and I enter my 60s as not. People tell me they loved their 60s even more than the 50s. Overall I had a pretty good run this past decade. For now I get to starfish my king sized bed and be just fine.